Walking on egg-shells in a marriage

Buenos Dias,

Have you ever wanted to discuss something you felt was really important with your spouse but held back because you were scared of the outcome?
Marriage is one sacred place where communication is supposed to be open and free but when its not then there is a huge problem.

We recently received a message from one of our readers that I would like to share with you all; ‘’what’s the best way to bring up sensitive issues with my spouse? I'm concerned about things that are going on in our marriage, but I'm afraid to talk to my spouse about them because I don't want to start a fight and make things worse.’’

So, how do we answer this?

When tough topics come up, couples can find lots of places to fall into the ditch. Some pits are dug before marriage – if you didn’t develop the right communication skills in your family where you grew up in, it’s hard to learn how to manage conflict with a spouse. There are other mistakes that can be traced to ignorance or inexperience.

Whatever your situation, there will always be some topics that are trickier to address with your spouse than others. Even in the happiest marriages issues like in-laws, finances, sex, major purchases, or holiday traditions can quickly stir things up into a heated argument.

Handling these matters can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. The important thing is to not fall into any of these errors; 1) avoiding conflict at any cost OR 2) escalating conflict into unmanageable chaos. You need to find ways to talk about your concerns calmly, rationally, and constructively.

There are a number of ways to do this. I had to learn some of these the hard way; some of which has benefited me a great deal.

Begin by consciously deciding that you want to have the conversation in a more civilized manner. There are Christian books about the role of communication in marriage. Make it a point to get your learning act together.

Another skill to learn to improve will be utilizing the right body language, choosing the right words and tone of voice. These can make a huge difference in the getting your point across without sounding negative.

It is also important to time your discussion appropriately. Get rid of distractions like television, cell phones, pagers, and interruptions from kids. Most importantly, make it a habit to start every discussion with prayer – this habit can literally transform your marriage.

Once you start talking, take deliberate measures to keep the conversation principle-centered. Don’t ask who’s right or wrong. Ask what’s right or wrong. If you attack the problem instead of the other person, you’ll help to create a safe environment that’s conducive to sharing at a deep, effective level on any topic.

Throughout the process, make it your priority to partner with your spouse in any way you can. While it’s critical to find the truth about issues affecting your marriage, relationship is always more important than issues. You’re partners, not prosecutors,( I am laughing in my head. I remember my husband often referring to our discussions as a debate or a court house proceedings) and that partnership doesn’t end when you discuss sensitive topics. It can be helpful to stop and ask yourself whether you’re showing your spouse the same respect you’d show your co-workers or friends. If you’re Christians, ask yourself whether you’re acting first as a brother and sister in Christ and second as husband and wife.

Remember this: if the thought of discussing a sensitive subject has you fearing your spouse’s reaction, you’re losing focus. Your agenda should be to please God and speak the truth in love. If that’s your goal, you won’t hesitate to bring up the issues that are threatening the health of your marriage, regardless of the potential for conflict.

If you need help putting these concepts into practice, don’t hesitate to contact us through the CFC page on Facebook.

                                                

                                                       Colossians 4:6

                            Let your conversation be gracious and attractive

                       so that you will have the right response for everyone. 

That marriage can work; SAVE it!

#FIXIT
Couples for Christ (CFC)